August 30: Bobby Russ
Yesterday, I woke up with a crazy headache and struggled to get motivated to
do anything. I ended up calling out of work. In the past, if this had
happened to either myself or Renee, the other would try to encourage and
support the other. I remember her telling me, at times, that she didn't feel
good. I always told her that if she needed to, she could call out. There
were many times where all she wanted was encouragement and support and I gave
that to her. She was good at doing the same for me. Somehow hearing her
would be enough to get over certain humps and push harder. There were times
we would just tell each other that we appreciated and supported each other.
It's hard not hearing her voice, feeling her near, and telling me that she
appreciates me. She was an amazing woman that way. She made everyone around
her feel better. She built people up.
Our hours could have been enough to drive people apart, but we always found a way. We always made time for each other. Days when we had similar schedules were something we looked forward to. I remember one night earlier in our relationship where Renee and I were talking in bed. We loved to do that at times. We'd talk about almost anything. She dozed off while I was talking to her. I tucked her in, wrapped my arm around her, and kissed her forehead. The next day she would apologized to me and I smiled. I remember saying something to the effect of I didn't mind. She told me that she fell asleep because my voice was so calming. It meant the world to me that I was her calm place. Some days it would be us talking together. Some days it was me holding her while she read her ebook. Either way, we always enjoyed those nights. There would be times where she got so tired, the ebook would hit her face. She'd pick it back up and try to read some more. I'd smile. After another time or two, I'd whisper into her ear that it was time to sleep. She'd reluctantly do it at times, but she'd drift asleep quickly.
There would be times where she'd hold me until she fell asleep. I wouldn't
leave the bed even if my hip hurt until I knew she was fully asleep. She
needed the sleep and the calm place. It was a haven for her and I wouldn't
ruin it. There were times her arm was so heavy or she didn't want me to
leave, I'd lay there playing on my tablet until I could sleep. It was our
safe place. It was something I can never forget. Even now, her physical body
is gone, but her blanket is still on our bed. I find myself still expecting
her to hog the bed or to hold me. Holding her blanket is the closest thing I
have left to holding her. I dozed off earlier today after a little bit. I
dreamed she was there. Like she had done while she was alive, she laid next
to me and told me that everything would be okay. She'd tell me how she wanted
her baby to feel better. She'd tell me that it was okay to sleep. She'd talk
until I feel asleep. Sometimes she'd stay in the room and read her ebook.
Sometimes, she'd sneak out and go into the living room. Either way, my heart
was warmed by her. I miss her, but I also know our love still goes on. She
was with me yesterday even as I struggled with everything.